Is it okay to lose friends?
When friends let us down
Last update: 28th November, 2017
Friendships can deteriorate, they go out like the light of a firefly when it is caught, like the first cold wind that heralds autumn after summer and is then warmed up again by the rays of the sun. There are many people who let us down, but disappointment from friends is especially painful. The wound that this experience leaves is undoubtedly very painful and angry. But over time, we learn from this experience and become more choosy about our friends.
As strange as it may seem, what happens in friendships can also happen in love. We have the friends we think we deserve. Our environment reflects our self-esteem and our ability to filter people. We need to understand that relationships, whatever their nature, are dynamic entities that change and mutate like our own personalities.
"A friend is a gift to ourselves."
Robert Louis Stevenson
It seems that the connection built on complicity and intimate companionship, which is full of spontaneity and emotionally nutritious value, is of equal or greater support to us than a love affair. There are people who therefore agree with the following saying: Losing a love hurts, losing a friend kills. And social psychological studies show that the aforementioned proverb hits the nail on the head: Losing a friend is just as painful as losing a partner.
A study published in the journal Epidemiology and health care was published, declares that this is the case for both men and women. A friend is an essential part of everyday life for most people. Friends are important to our physical and emotional well-being.
Friendships we don't know how to end
Bianca is 40 years old and has decided to end a long friendship. She had made this friendship in childhood. She and Elisa grew up together because their mothers were friends. Elisa, the then little girl with brown eyes and long legs, quickly became her refuge and her hell at the same time.
When they were little, Elisa forced her to participate in activities that she wanted nothing to do with. Bianca broke her arm when she tried to climb over the school wall because Elisa had told her to. She told Elisa about her first love affairs. But it was also Elisa who took away all the boys she liked.
Over the years Bianca maintained a co-dependent relationship with this manipulative person. She was unable to finish saying "Stop taking advantage of me!"
Many of us can identify with this example. But the important question is, why is it so difficult for us to end a friendship that brings us more problems than good? Below we discuss possible explanations for this.
Which is why it is difficult for us to say to a friend that it is enough
The first reason is very simple: we think we owe loyalty to the person. Perhaps because of all the experiences we had together, because of the difficulties we had together and the secrets shared. However, we have to be clear about one thing: a relationship, whether as a couple or in friendship, only works with a certain degree of balance and reciprocity. Because Loyalty to a person does not matter if there is a lack of respect and reciprocity is nowhere to be seen.
The second aspect has to do with the idea that we could change other people. We tell ourselves that we just have to be patient. That what happened today would certainly not happen again. All we have to do is explain to the other person that they have insulted us, that we are hurt and disappointed ...
Another worrying aspect is undoubtedly that many people believe that everyone has the friends they deserve. We tell ourselves that we all make mistakes, that we all have our flaws, and that it is normal to be wrong and occasionally hurt friends without wanting to.
Sometimes we hold on to friendships with people who are toxic and deplete our energy supplies just out of fear or loneliness. This is not okay, so it is important to realize that good friends are the ones who make us better people every day. Those who are not trying to change us, but want to make us stronger, and who know that we deserve wellbeing, balance and happiness.
Disappointment from friends makes it necessary to make decisions
Gretchen Rubin, author of an interesting paper called The happiness project, explained, that many of us lived everyday life by drifting. This concept is interesting because, as the author describes it, letting yourself drift is the decision to be passive about what we want or don't want in our life.
“There are people who think that wanting to be your friend is enough. As if it were enough to wish for health in order to be healthy. "
If we don't make a decision or keep putting it off, it means living in some kind of surrogate happiness. We have insignificant relationships with people who keep disappointing us, but whom we keep by our side. We allow this because of a mistaken sense of loyalty or fear of being alone, as described above.
We should be clear about that we have left the childhood and adolescence behind us when we did not apply filters. In which we let everyone into our lives in search of new experiences and emotions. Achieving maturity means, above all, to be more selective now and to look for quality in our relationships.
A disappointment with friends gives us an idea of what kind of friend we are dealing with. We then have to act and make a decision, even if it hurts, even if it is a friendship that has lasted half our lives. Because what causes us pain, what hurts us and breaks our hearts is not friendship.
We need to learn to be picky about real friendships that are magical and exciting. Those who teach us and to whom we contribute because they transform us into a better version of ourselves.You might be interested in ...
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